Years ago I wrote this in my journal. God used my precious children to draw me back to His mercies and His plan. It is a good reminder again.

I like things I can fix. I like to focus on issues I might somehow be able to control.

My children need just as much of me, my time, and my attention as they did 9 years ago.

Welcome to the heart of a sinful, broken mama. Welcome to the heart of a mama who needs the Gospel everyday—just to get out of bed. Welcome to the heart of a mama who loves her children from hard places desperately.

The note was on my pillow. Wrinkled paper. Precious kindergarten scrawl.

“Doo u luv me? Pla wif me.”

Those seven words put me under. Just like that I was a complete mess. Tears dripping. Thinking back on the last few weeks: a new school year, a new school, a new apartment, 100 new students in and out of my classroom.

Pushing aside the most important children in my life.

I knew it before I saw the note. The weight of it was already crushing me.

I wasn’t the mom I wanted to be. Too tired. So busy. Sarcastic. Unkind. Impatient. Preoccupied. I didn’t take time to sit down and play. Or when I did, I wasn’t really there.

My life. The life of someone who desperately wants to love well and finds failure all around. The life of one who is learning to look hard at the broken places and confess her sin.

I can’t hold it all together even when I try. So, in my tears, I lay it at the feet of my Savior.

God repairs what I’ve broken. He creates hope where there is hopelessness and gives peace when all I feel is defeat.

Then I find the three most beautiful people I know…

…and we play.

 

Mama Guilt
By Gail Prutow